I have ten thousand ideas of w…
| August 26th, 2008 at 18:39 |I have ten thousand ideas of what I want to dress for for Halloween. How come I can’t dress up every month?
@iamian I come up with the onl…
| August 26th, 2008 at 1:19 |@iamian I come up with the only thing on the internets sexier than CFMs that I’ll never buy.
@iamian linky to the lappy!
| August 26th, 2008 at 1:14 |@iamian linky to the lappy!
@iamian a mac-y lappy!!!!1 zom…
| August 26th, 2008 at 1:09 |@iamian a mac-y lappy!!!!1 zomg so jealous
Why’s it so hard to find a pai…
| August 26th, 2008 at 1:02 |Why’s it so hard to find a pair of CFMs that aren’t super pricey, don’t make me look like a hooker, and could actually be walked in?
@iamian you gots a lappy too?!
| August 26th, 2008 at 1:00 |@iamian you gots a lappy too?!
I guess my phone never sent th…
| August 26th, 2008 at 0:19 |I guess my phone never sent the txt: it was really nice seeing Ken today.
Proud of myself for figuring o…
| August 25th, 2008 at 20:47 |Proud of myself for figuring out financey things.
it’s embarrassing enough to cr…
| August 24th, 2008 at 12:37 |it’s embarrassing enough to cry all the time in front of Nate. I can only hope that work isn’t busy tomorrow so i can be alone.
I love the name Ira and the di…
| August 23rd, 2008 at 20:39 |I love the name Ira and the disambiguation page makes me hopeful that I don’t need to marry a Jew to use it http://tinyurl.com/6mh7j7
Still haven’t turned Twitter T…
| August 23rd, 2008 at 18:31 |Still haven’t turned Twitter Tools back on — anyone use anything a bit more customizable?
I couldn’t shrink this to 140 characters no matter how I tried
| August 23rd, 2008 at 18:21 |Rich people find people who knew them when they were poor; I wish Nate met me now, when I’m so discombobulated, and still could fall in love with me.
MRI
| August 23rd, 2008 at 13:00 |
Right shoulder MRI
So here’s what I did on Wednesday. It was terrifying, but not because of the noise or the tightness (neither was as bad as I remembered), but more because I’m an idiot who knows just enough about any given subject to be dangerous. In this instance, it’s because I was scared of catastrophic quenching, when all the liquid helium heats up, expands, and suffocates anyone in the room because it displaces the oxygen.
That would blow. Hard.
Anyway, the MRI was normal, as were the shoulder xrays, so Dr Lauer wanted a bone scan and for me to get an orthopedic surgeon’s consult. I had the bone scan yesterday. It was a fucking disaster and I don’t want to talk about it, but it also came back negative.
I’m not making this up, people. It really hurts. I’m at my wit’s end, and I think it’s turning me into a craz(y/ier) person.
And it doesn’t help that I’ve turned everyone against me in the process.
the plan, stan
| August 21st, 2008 at 22:33 |I’m at an awkward place right now. I’m torn between trying to keep my nose clean and just take every day as it comes at me, not worrying about the endless if’s in front of me, and the lure of divvying up resources, planning my brains out, and wishing for assets that may or may not even exist in five years.
[What else is awkward: I'm experiencing the strangest out-of-body sensation, where I'm hearing, seeing, and feeling everything I'm doing from somewhere else. It doesn't feel like I'm typing, it feels like I'm watching myself type. And I'm totally sober, mind you. Just filled with self-loathing, I think is what my problem is. I have got to get over this. I rather liked not knowing what I appear to be from everyone else's point of view.]
I talked with my mom tonight. We discussed various methods of budgeting available to me, and she seemed to like my modified envelopes idea. What I want to do is take my paycheck, pay all the bills that are due before the next paycheck right away (which I do anyway), but then take all the cash I’m allowed to spend over the next two weeks out immediately. I’m not allowed to spend any money that isn’t in my hand. It’s not that I have difficulty spending more than I have because I’m overloaded with credit cards, it’s just that it’s easy to lose track of how many times I swipe my debit card for $3 for a coffee or whatever.
What I’m really finding hard to do is to not just say, “Fuck it, I’ll be able to deal with everything much better when X happens.” At the moment, X=paying off my car. But after that, X=paying off student loans. Or X=splitting living expenses. Or X=any sort of excuse I can come up with for why It’s Not My Fault.
I hate that about me. I hate that I ever blame being in so much financial trouble on supporting Marcus. I hate that I ever blame my insecurities on not medicating myself properly. I hate that I blame anything on anything that’s in my control, but that I don’t want to see it that way so I refuse to admit it. I didn’t have to let Marcus live with me for so long being a mooch, and I didn’t have to stop taking my Wellbutrin, and I didn’t have to go to a private school in Nebraska and I didn’t have to buy a new car when I moved out here and I didn’t have to …
What I’m saying is, I deserve to sleep in this bed I made. I’ve been spoiled long enough that I don’t deserve any handouts.
So how come I can know all these things, but I still sit here with browser tabs on 1) Volvos 2) nursing programs 3) PA schools 4) modular home builders in Maine and 5) theknot.com?
[Confession: I've had an account at theknot.com for approximately 5 years. It's pathetic, I know, and I thought I'd broken my addiction when I stopped going there while I dated Marcus. After a while, I had convinced myself that I just didn't want to get married, ever. Eventually I realized I just didn't want to marry him, but that took me way too long to grasp. Anyway, Kaity's wedding reignited my desire to plan the everlovin' shit out of my own potentially conceivable nuptials. Shh, don't tell.]
The most surprising thing about the conversation I had with Mom tonight was that she actually thinks my going back to school is a good idea. I feel terribly claustrophobic in a job where there are literally seven openings nationwide, when I have no other marketable skills. That’s not entirely true, I suppose, if you count my mad Dairy Queen skillz. McDonald’s, not so much, but I was really good at working at DQ. Seriously, though, she said I ought to look into putting my student loans into deferment again (which I’m not sure if I can do) after my car is paid off, and going back full time.
I’m very smart, you know, and I might not be the best at most things, but I’m very good at going to school. And sometimes I even finish, you know? And being a PA or an RN are both good jobs that pay well, and when the economy collapses and we’re all forced to fend for ourselves, I could totally barter with that shit. Everybody gets sick sometime.
The biggest downside I see to this plan is moving. Nursing degrees are available locally, but the closest PA program is in Springfield, MA. Plus I know the students who graduate from the local nursing programs, because I work with them, and let’s just say that they’re not exactly walking advertisements for their schools. The closest nursing school I’d want to go to is USM in Portland, but that’s not exactly close.
And none of this brings up the topic of Nate, which basically includes the following factors: I love him and his part in my life definitely affects my decisions about where my life goes from this point (any point) forward, but it feels like it’s probably too soon for me to say that because I always say shit like that too soon. So I have to keep him on the back burner when I’m thinking about maybe someday making tentative school plans, but then I feel bad for not making him a higher priority, and I feel ill when I ask myself what I would do if I had to pick between him and [school/career/whatever] and then I just ignore it all and figure if I ignore it, it won’t ever be an issue.
Fuck, I am such a head case. Sorry. I don’t know how to change that part, though. I’ve always been a little nutty, and for as nice as it is to be totally smitten with Nate, it doesn’t make the nutty part of me any less so :P
It’s so easy for me to see where I want to be in 30, 20, 15 years. It’s what I want to do in the next year or three that are distracting. And obviously it’s because I’ve had the long-term vision planned out for so much longer, but that the short-term stuff is easily influenced/corrupted by immediate decisions I make.
@jeremeyes nope. Also, I just …
| August 21st, 2008 at 22:26 |@jeremeyes nope. Also, I just noticed Twitter Tools is doing the deathloop Alex King promised wouldn’t happen. Let’s disable that for now.
@jeremeyes I think I’m missing…
| August 21st, 2008 at 22:21 |@jeremeyes I think I’m missing something!
book of lies
| August 21st, 2008 at 19:33 |I totally forgot to include the book that inspired me to post that other entry.
None of these are earth-shatteringly good literature, but they’re what I’m craving at the moment.
It’s weird looking at Kaity’s …
| August 21st, 2008 at 19:22 |It’s weird looking at Kaity’s wedding pictures and wondering if I have to be grown-up, too, someday.
MRI finally got dictated. Norm…
| August 21st, 2008 at 15:14 |MRI finally got dictated. Normal.
libris
| August 20th, 2008 at 22:13 |A couple books I’d like to read. The first has been made into a movie with (I think) the guy who played Harvey Dent in The Dark Knight. The second is the sequel to a book I read the other day. I did the verbal equivalent of snarfing it, and had it read in just a few days. Not a particularly astonishing feat, despite its length, considering its intended audience appeared to be 12 year olds. But so are the Harry Potter books, and I never read those very quickly.
