This is beautiful, especially to be heard, with the pauses and such in the right places.

Booth: Here we are. All of us, basically alone, separate creatures just circling each other. All searching for that slightest hint of a real connection. Some look in the wrong places, some, they just give up hope because in their mind they’re thinking, “Oh, there’s nobody out there for me.” But all of us, we keep trying over and over again. Why? Because every once in a while, every once in a while two people meet and there’s that spark. And yes Bones, he’s handsome and she’s beautiful and maybe that’s all they see at first, but making love? Making love, that’s when two people become one.
Brennan: (awestruck) It is scientifically impossible for two objects to occupy the same space.
Booth: Yeah, but what’s important is we try. And when we do it right, we get close.
Brennan: To what? Breaking the laws of physics?
Booth: Yeah, Bones, a miracle. Those people, role playing and their fetishes and their little sex games, it’s crappy sex. You know, at least compared to the real thing.
Brennan: (after looking at Booth thoughtfully for a while) You’re right.
Booth: Yeah, but – Wait a second, I just won that argument?
Brennan: Yup.

My phone will read text messages to me, and the lady’s voice is pretty funny. This is how she read Wil Wheaton’s twitter about SOMA FM the other day. (You might have to read along, as she’s difficult to understand sometimes. Not exactly a “hands free” feature.)

wilw (Right-click and you know the rest …)

toothpastefordinner.com

I saw a bumper sticker in the parking lot at work that said, “When I die, burry [sic] me at Walmart”

I’ll never forgive myself for telling Marcus that I loved him before it was true. The thing is, I thought that by saying it, maybe the feelings would be true. And I wanted to be in love so much. I wanted to not be in love with Ian. I wanted to be done with dating and just get married and start having babies. I thought that since I found the person in the world who was most like me ever, it would be easy.

I don’t think I ever was in love with Marcus. We had some good times, sure, but the “fake it till you make it” motto of mine just wasn’t strong enough to bring a friendship into something more.

I’m not proud of this. I’m downright ashamed of it. Wouldn’t you be? Living three years of your life as a lie?

I remember a conversation I had with my mother after Marcus moved out. She asked if I was going to be dating anyone else soon, and I told her that Love and I had been fighting, and that we were On A Break. She sounded quite disappointed, but after lying for so long (to Marcus, myself, and anyone who would listen), I couldn’t even imagine trying to feel again.

Maybe that’s why it took so long for me to even date anyone afterwards. (The next date I had was about 9 months later, though he evidently thought much more of me than I ever did of him — but that’s another entry (and quite a dramaful/gossipy one, if I may say so myself)!)

It’s definitely why it was so fucking terrifying for me to come to grips with the fact that I love Nate. Well, that and the stupid Cosmo I read at work this week. On the one hand, it’s nice to get paid to sit around when I have no patients, but then I sit there for 10 1/2 hours reading Cosmo and Redbook and Rachel Ray and 8 000 different bridal magazines. By the time I get home I just want to fuck, eat, and wear pouffy dresses.

Sorry, tangent. Where was I?

Right. Nate. So I’ve been fighting with myself for at least a week now. Part of me has been saying, “You feel it! Just say it!” And part of me has been saying, “Don’t be an idiot! You don’t know what you’re feeling!” And part of me has been saying, “Duh. It’s obvious to both of you what’s going on here.” And part of me has been saying, “Well if it’s so obvious, it doesn’t really need to be said, does it?” And part of me has been saying, “Don’t scare him off!” And part of me has been saying, “You are all weirdos.” That part has the voice of Sam The Eagle.

I am pretty sure that if it went on much longer, my psyche would shatter and I’d end up with MPD or DID or whatever it’s called these days. It’s probably a good thing that as I was falling asleep last night, the tight grip I’ve had on my tongue was inadvertently loosened and I told him that I love him. And of course he knew already, but I felt better after I said it. That’s got to be a good sign.

“Because we always assume that our faults and flaws are the worst, most heinous and detestable in the world of the universe. We forget that we magnify them because they’re our own and we’re hard on ourselves. AND we can’t help but want to be perfect in the eyes of someone we really like. Regardless of how silly and impossible that is.”

So tonight on the way home from Nate’s/Uno’s/eclipse-watching, I realized that I have been so focused on how rotten I was feeling over the last week or so, that it had become pity. Ugh. I haven’t pitied myself like that since college & the whole suicidal Creighton fiasco.

[Tangent: I'm wicked dizzy right now. Like I get when I have a not-for-a-week cigarette, only I haven't.]

So I decided that I don’t have to feel like this. I can just take everything that’s been said about me in the last week or so in stride and not really care about how it was supposed to make me feel. And hopefully this will make me more fun to be around, since I have been absolutely rotten to people, and it’s just been getting worse.

Also stupid. It’s been an off-week.

But even if I can’t shake the stupids for a while (it’s even like my muscles got stupid – I missed veins left and right today), I can change my attitude. As much as I like being able to bitch about work with Kaity, I don’t actually like doing it. I feel … gossipy. And more than a little crass. I’m not going to stop, mind you. I think it’s good to have a place to vent, and also if Kaity needs it, I want to be available for her venting. But tonight it didn’t feel as good as it usually does.

But back to me for a moment, I decided that I would go ahead and read whatever it was that Marcus emailed me. If I don’t like what he has to say, it doesn’t much matter because he really is about as much out of my life as a person can get. Just like when people ask me what he’s going to be doing in Hawaii for money/car/living arrangements/whatever, I can tell them that it’s not my problem anymore.

Being afraid of getting hurt by something he said is not a good reason to avoid it. It’s like LETTIN’ THE TERRISTS WIN

“I think one of the best things a guy can hope for is a beautiful woman to think it’s cute when he’s being a geek. There are really fewer better things in life.”

Jeremy is one of those friends who we have so much in common, and we used to be close, and then I don’t know what happened. I think we might have had a fight? I don’t know. But anyway, we will go months without even noticing the other one, and then suddenly we realize how stupid we are and go back to being good friends. I don’t think I’m explaining this right.

The time not to become a father is eighteen years before a war.
– EB White

http://www.djpauledge.com/wewillnotbesilenced/wwnbs_flash.swf

It cracks me up, some of these hot-or-not-ers. This guy in particular was a real catch. He said good bye like three times before he finally gave up. Poor guy.

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Your Children are not Your Children
by Kahlil Gibran

Your Children are not Your Children

They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

This picture was not originally titled “The Vampire” but received this name from a later art critic. The title in inappropriate, conjuring a one-way predatory relationship to the painting. The picture portrays two people in a complicated and painful love, having injured one another numerous times. Nonetheless, the man is consumed by a true devotional love but aware of the impossibility and pain of this relationship. He sinks into the bosom of the woman while she feels the irresistible urge to cling maddeningly to him, devouring their love but simultaneously is overbearingly hurt and frustrated. Thus, their desperate, hopeless, and painful “union” endures. Munch lays bare this experience of love that some of us have unfortunately experienced.

- Jason S.

Learn your theories as well as you can, but put them aside when you touch the miracle of a living soul.

Carl Jung

I never read the comments in the Fark threads until I got the RSS feed on my google homepage. When you click on it, it takes you to the thread instead of the article (which, really, makes sense).

I am so glad I did today.

An article about how flammable children’s halloween costumes can be sparked (heh heh) this comment:

“I wish the government would do something about this. For all you asses that think burning kids are a joke, I have something to say. This is no joke. If you burn a kid, it will die. Not only will it die, it will be in extreme pain until it dies. That only means one thing: screams. Yes, if you burn a child, it will scream. Who needs that shiat? And have you ever smelled a burning child. I have, and I didn’t enjoy it.

So keep your kids unburned; dress them up in a pillowcase and add a brick. Tell everyone they are kittens. If they start on fire, toss them in the lake.”

I had tears running down my cheeks after that one. Thanks, ludditemike.

I got a card in the mail from Blockbuster the other day, telling me to give them their damn game back. I’d already brought the game back, so I was going to throw it out, when I saw that there was a survey on the back.

It listed ten movies, and asked me to check off the ones I was likely to rent when they became available. I’d heard of none of them, neither had Marcus. Now, I’d planned on posting the list of movies, to see if I was alone in my ignorance, or if these movies really were nothing anyone’s heard of. Unfortunately for you (or perhaps not), I am too lazy to go down to the car to fetch it.

I was talking with a friend from work the other day. She and I both want children someday, but neither of us see this as a possibility. For one, we both come home exhausted. I come home and collapse into a blob on the couch. Marcus will bring me dinner, we eat in front of the television, then we screw around online or whatever until we go to bed. Sleep, rinse, repeat. The logical conclusion would be to go part-time or even stay at home after we have kids. But my friend and I are in the happy pickle of being the breadwinners. We make mad money, and it’s highly unlikely we’ll find anyone to marry us who makes just as much or more. My mother always said (and is prone to telling me this often, as we are nearing one year of actual living-togetherness), “It’s just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as it is to fall in love with a poor man.” My point being, forfeiting 50% or more of a household’s income is not an easy thing to do, especially bringing a life into the world on top.

The whole point of this entry was to tell you that I realize that if I’m too lazy to go down to the car because it involves stairs and shit, I am way too lazy to ever have children. Those things are work.

in tenebris