dianarchy.net

the plan, stan

I’m at an awkward place right now. I’m torn between trying to keep my nose clean and just take every day as it comes at me, not worrying about the endless if’s in front of me, and the lure of divvying up resources, planning my brains out, and wishing for assets that may or may not even exist in five years.

[What else is awkward: I'm experiencing the strangest out-of-body sensation, where I'm hearing, seeing, and feeling everything I'm doing from somewhere else. It doesn't feel like I'm typing, it feels like I'm watching myself type. And I'm totally sober, mind you. Just filled with self-loathing, I think is what my problem is. I have got to get over this. I rather liked not knowing what I appear to be from everyone else's point of view.]

I talked with my mom tonight. We discussed various methods of budgeting available to me, and she seemed to like my modified envelopes idea. What I want to do is take my paycheck, pay all the bills that are due before the next paycheck right away (which I do anyway), but then take all the cash I’m allowed to spend over the next two weeks out immediately. I’m not allowed to spend any money that isn’t in my hand. It’s not that I have difficulty spending more than I have because I’m overloaded with credit cards, it’s just that it’s easy to lose track of how many times I swipe my debit card for $3 for a coffee or whatever.

What I’m really finding hard to do is to not just say, “Fuck it, I’ll be able to deal with everything much better when X happens.” At the moment, X=paying off my car. But after that, X=paying off student loans. Or X=splitting living expenses. Or X=any sort of excuse I can come up with for why It’s Not My Fault.

I hate that about me. I hate that I ever blame being in so much financial trouble on supporting Marcus. I hate that I ever blame my insecurities on not medicating myself properly. I hate that I blame anything on anything that’s in my control, but that I don’t want to see it that way so I refuse to admit it. I didn’t have to let Marcus live with me for so long being a mooch, and I didn’t have to stop taking my Wellbutrin, and I didn’t have to go to a private school in Nebraska and I didn’t have to buy a new car when I moved out here and I didn’t have to …

What I’m saying is, I deserve to sleep in this bed I made. I’ve been spoiled long enough that I don’t deserve any handouts.

So how come I can know all these things, but I still sit here with browser tabs on 1) Volvos 2) nursing programs 3) PA schools 4) modular home builders in Maine and 5) theknot.com?

[Confession: I've had an account at theknot.com for approximately 5 years. It's pathetic, I know, and I thought I'd broken my addiction when I stopped going there while I dated Marcus. After a while, I had convinced myself that I just didn't want to get married, ever. Eventually I realized I just didn't want to marry him, but that took me way too long to grasp. Anyway, Kaity's wedding reignited my desire to plan the everlovin' shit out of my own potentially conceivable nuptials. Shh, don't tell.]

The most surprising thing about the conversation I had with Mom tonight was that she actually thinks my going back to school is a good idea. I feel terribly claustrophobic in a job where there are literally seven openings nationwide, when I have no other marketable skills. That’s not entirely true, I suppose, if you count my mad Dairy Queen skillz. McDonald’s, not so much, but I was really good at working at DQ. Seriously, though, she said I ought to look into putting my student loans into deferment again (which I’m not sure if I can do) after my car is paid off, and going back full time.

I’m very smart, you know, and I might not be the best at most things, but I’m very good at going to school. And sometimes I even finish, you know? And being a PA or an RN are both good jobs that pay well, and when the economy collapses and we’re all forced to fend for ourselves, I could totally barter with that shit. Everybody gets sick sometime.

The biggest downside I see to this plan is moving. Nursing degrees are available locally, but the closest PA program is in Springfield, MA. Plus I know the students who graduate from the local nursing programs, because I work with them, and let’s just say that they’re not exactly walking advertisements for their schools. The closest nursing school I’d want to go to is USM in Portland, but that’s not exactly close.

And none of this brings up the topic of Nate, which basically includes the following factors: I love him and his part in my life definitely affects my decisions about where my life goes from this point (any point) forward, but it feels like it’s probably too soon for me to say that because I always say shit like that too soon. So I have to keep him on the back burner when I’m thinking about maybe someday making tentative school plans, but then I feel bad for not making him a higher priority, and I feel ill when I ask myself what I would do if I had to pick between him and [school/career/whatever] and then I just ignore it all and figure if I ignore it, it won’t ever be an issue.

Fuck, I am such a head case. Sorry. I don’t know how to change that part, though. I’ve always been a little nutty, and for as nice as it is to be totally smitten with Nate, it doesn’t make the nutty part of me any less so :P

It’s so easy for me to see where I want to be in 30, 20, 15 years. It’s what I want to do in the next year or three that are distracting. And obviously it’s because I’ve had the long-term vision planned out for so much longer, but that the short-term stuff is easily influenced/corrupted by immediate decisions I make.