berate
| March 23rd, 2008 at 22:00 |Dew, I guess you’re right that I couldn’t have found out about Marcus without trying it. I just find it frustrating that I wasted so much of my (and his) time.
I feel more like myself when I’m with Nate. Not so much like I might be able to stop taking antidepressants, but the same feeling they’ve been giving me (normality, calm, not feeling like a stranger in my own skin), all of those things are amplified when I’m around Nate.
It bothers me that I feel most like myself when I’m with certain people. It makes it far too easy to become dependent on them. That is not at all what I want to happen. Fuck fuck fuck.
I just want to have a brain that isn’t broken, a real life. I just want to be my own person. I want to be the one who doesn’t need fixing.
And for as nice as this weekend was in a lot of very good ways, it had some definitely bad parts. Maybe I’m whining, but I just don’t like being part of someone’s death pronouncement, I don’t like having to examine my own academic and mental flaws by encouraging someone to not follow in my footsteps, and I don’t like that I’m only capable of telling Nate some things when I’m intoxicated.
I wanted this time to be different.
