dianarchy.net

Neurotic much?

I’ll never forgive myself for telling Marcus that I loved him before it was true. The thing is, I thought that by saying it, maybe the feelings would be true. And I wanted to be in love so much. I wanted to not be in love with Ian. I wanted to be done with dating and just get married and start having babies. I thought that since I found the person in the world who was most like me ever, it would be easy.

I don’t think I ever was in love with Marcus. We had some good times, sure, but the “fake it till you make it” motto of mine just wasn’t strong enough to bring a friendship into something more.

I’m not proud of this. I’m downright ashamed of it. Wouldn’t you be? Living three years of your life as a lie?

I remember a conversation I had with my mother after Marcus moved out. She asked if I was going to be dating anyone else soon, and I told her that Love and I had been fighting, and that we were On A Break. She sounded quite disappointed, but after lying for so long (to Marcus, myself, and anyone who would listen), I couldn’t even imagine trying to feel again.

Maybe that’s why it took so long for me to even date anyone afterwards. (The next date I had was about 9 months later, though he evidently thought much more of me than I ever did of him — but that’s another entry (and quite a dramaful/gossipy one, if I may say so myself)!)

It’s definitely why it was so fucking terrifying for me to come to grips with the fact that I love Nate. Well, that and the stupid Cosmo I read at work this week. On the one hand, it’s nice to get paid to sit around when I have no patients, but then I sit there for 10 1/2 hours reading Cosmo and Redbook and Rachel Ray and 8 000 different bridal magazines. By the time I get home I just want to fuck, eat, and wear pouffy dresses.

Sorry, tangent. Where was I?

Right. Nate. So I’ve been fighting with myself for at least a week now. Part of me has been saying, “You feel it! Just say it!” And part of me has been saying, “Don’t be an idiot! You don’t know what you’re feeling!” And part of me has been saying, “Duh. It’s obvious to both of you what’s going on here.” And part of me has been saying, “Well if it’s so obvious, it doesn’t really need to be said, does it?” And part of me has been saying, “Don’t scare him off!” And part of me has been saying, “You are all weirdos.” That part has the voice of Sam The Eagle.

I am pretty sure that if it went on much longer, my psyche would shatter and I’d end up with MPD or DID or whatever it’s called these days. It’s probably a good thing that as I was falling asleep last night, the tight grip I’ve had on my tongue was inadvertently loosened and I told him that I love him. And of course he knew already, but I felt better after I said it. That’s got to be a good sign.