dianarchy.net

family history

I don’t know how much I’ve written about this, but here’s some of my backstory.

Alan, my biological father, is a manipulative, abusive, dishonest, unethical asshole. I have completely disconnected him from my life, and I’m happy about this. My real father (my mother’s husband, dig?) adopted me after I turned 18, and I figure that my life is pretty good. My extended family is pretty fucked up, anyway, so maybe my mother’s children just need to start over. Keep our kids close to each other (their cousins) and to us (aunts, uncles, and grandparents), and forget about all of our cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents. This is the fantasy I have in my head, but I’m pretty bad at keeping in touch with my brothers and sisters, so we’ll see.

Anyway, the only downside to getting Alan out of my life was that his father was my favorite in my extended family. He’s a sweet, gentle guy, and I don’t understand how he could have spawned someone as evil as Alan. Not that I’d ever say that to anyone besides maybe my mother, but it’s what I think, every time I think of him.

I just found out that he has moved into a nursing home. Okay, assisted living facility. Whatever. It sucks, whatever you want to call it. He says he likes it (my sister keeps me in the loop with this kind of thing; she has stood by Alan, and while I don’t like it, I need to keep a hold of her and not let anything happen with our relationship, or I’d probably lose my mind completely).

Anyway, I’m driving down to that direction of the country (within an hour of where he lives now) around President’s Day, so I asked my sister to ask him if he totally hates me and if I could come see him. He said I could, so I’m excited to see him for the first time in … probably 10 years, easily. I’m also terrified. But I hope that it goes well and that maybe maybe maybe I can start seeing more of him. I also really really really don’t want Alan to find out that I’m going, or his sister, or anyone else who might just show up.

So yeah. That’s what I’ve been thinking about all day.